What effects does parents’ polyamory have on kids? In the course of writing my novel on this topic, I wondered what research has been done in that area, and got this helpful summary from Claire Q. The notes are hers:

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Curious how Fallen Lake fits into the polyamory literature, I compiled this list. Links take you to the best independent commentary I could find on these books from a polyamory perspective. In some cases, all I could find was an Amazon page.

Making this list led me to a couple of observations. First, most of the polyamory erotica appears to be written by women. Read more »

Last week I had the pleasure of meeting Kathy Labriola, author of the book Love In Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice On Open Relationships, when she gave a talk at Modern Times Books in San Francisco where I’ll be speaking on Aug. 30. Kathy offered a standing-room-only crowd a wealth of wisdom on the subject of polyamory, gleaned from her practice as a counselor in this area. (She uses the terms polyamory, open relationships, and nonmonogamy interchangeably.) I’d heard some of it before — about jealously arising out of insecurity, for example.

But here’s one insight that stuck with me: Men who are in relationships most often seek additional partners because they want more sex than they are getting. No surprise there. But women, she said, most often seek additional partners because Read more »

I can’t argue with Adrienne’s feelings that her emotions can’t be explained by biochemistry. But I disagree with her implication that the group marriage disrupted its progeny’s future. She writes:

I’d like to point out as well that none of the four children from that group marriage have not gone on to raise their own biological children with a partner. I don’t think that can be coincidence.

The traditional nuclear family — father, mother, children living as a separate unit — is the minority among US households, and a third of kids live under some other arrangement. As Darby herself has said, her alcoholism predated the group marriage by months if not years. And it was this struggle with addiction that prevented her from marrying and raising children with their biological father (assuming that’s what she wanted to do). Current studies show about a 50-60% genetic basis for alcoholism.

Ivor’s marriage ended after he discovered his homosexuality, or stopped resisting it. Not very many people still argue that child rearing determines sexual orientation. Increasing evidence suggests that genes and other biochemical influences, such as prenatal exposure to steroids, play key roles.

Penny and I have made the decision not to have children in order to focus energy on our work.

Adrienne can best explain her own decision not to have children until it was too difficult to have them biologically. But she is certainly not the only person who finally finished medical school, residencies and specialty training deep in debt and already past her prime childbearing years. So I’m sure these factors affected her decision to adopt, rather than bear her own biological children, more than her upbringing with multiple parents.

So it just may be a coincidence, but it’s not a very surprising one.

A bill to allow children more than two legal parents passed today in the California Assembly. It has already passed in the state’s Senate and now goes to Gov. Jerry Brown.

It may sound like validation of the polyamorous lifestyle, but the sponsor  says it’s nothing of the kind. Read more »

If kids can have more than two parents, biological mothers and fathers will begin to lose their importance before the law.

That’s the essence of the objection that traditional family folks have mounted to legislation expected to pass the California Legislature this week. Read more »

Were our ancestors polyamorous? That is, did they have multiple spouses? Influential biologists going back to Darwin think we descended from small bands of people whose sexuality was not confined to a single partner. Read more »

Dear Adrienne,

Will you forgive me?

I just discovered this website with the story of everything you have gone through in recent months. It took me some time to believe it was you who was writing under this assumed name. I read it with growing shame.

When we first met, I saw myself reflected. Everything I wasn’t, you were: beautiful, light, a healer of hearts. For years I was completed in you. Then one day I woke up to realize you weren’t there anymore.

Somewhere in the diapers and the takeout cartons, we had lost each other’s pulse. I still caught glimpses sometimes of your thoughts as you pulled nylons on in the morning, or I heard your whisper before we said goodnight.

I tried in my clumsy way to get through to you, to find time for us to be alone together. But there was always an appointment at the hospital, a patient, a fundraiser, a deadline that came first. We had become partners in the business of affording good schools, colleagues in putting pizza on the table, coworkers in paying the mortgage, no longer together in nourishing each other.

I got up from our bed one night and stumbled to our computer where a few taps took me out across the globe. There were thousands of women there. And their faces turned to me. When I spoke, Zulya answered. She has nothing on you, Adrienne. Not your poise, not your dedication, not your energy, your power to do good. But she was willing to entertain a conversation, and I needed that all these days and evenings alone.

The night you came to Zulya’s apartment was meant to be our last. I only went there to break up with her, face to face. I should thank you for bringing the children, because I saw in their expressions what I was doing wrong. I realized how much I need them, how much they need us to be together.

But it’s not only them. In these days since you’ve been gone, I’ve realized how much I depend on you. Every day you get up knowing what needs to be done, for your patients, for our kids, for our life. If you didn’t always have the time for me I wanted, it was only because you were using it to save someone else’s life. I should never have held that against you.

I know I’ve said some things in my phone messages that I shouldn’t have said. I was desperate, lost. I know I have no right to expect your forgiveness. But if ever you find the generosity to talk to me again, I will be here waiting.

And I love you.

Charlie